Monday, November 9, 2009

By MMA analyst Joseph Lupoli

George St-Pierre and Anderson Silva will probably never fight each other (at least not in the UFC), because there are two weight divisions separating them (that means three by fight time).

Thank you once again, UFC, for allowing yet another fight that fans want to see not happen because you have too many weight classes…or there’s a contractual problem, or somebody has a hangnail, or some banana cut himself shaving, or somebody’s Visa has expired.

So, how can we circumvent Dana White’s ass-dragging and get those two to fight each other despite all that? It’s simple. We don’t need the UFC! We’ll simply out bid them without them knowing it and make our own fight card! Just remember the code of omerta! (Silence!)

How about PPV YouTube? Think about it. Many of you hardcore MMA fans around the U.S. and Canada shell out about $50.00 to watch a UFC event. Well, why not just *invest* $25.00 each to pick our own match-ups instead of the slop that Joe Silva and Dana want to feed us?

It’s simple. All you have to do is ship me your money orders. And to avoid nosy IRS agents, I have honest relatives up in North Jersey with a lot of vowels in their last names. They’ll cash us in and then launder the money.

The hook here is that all the fighters get paid immediately after the fight. Let’s say we offer the main event guys a million apiece. I’ll bet George St-Pierre and Anderson Silva will take a tax free cool million on the spot (in small unmarked bills, of course).

Now for the setup: I know upstanding church-going people in the Bloomfield area with a backyard in a “connected neighborhood.” We get Kimbo Slice to referee. (Who knows more about YouTube fighting than Kimbo)? Then I’ll hit a local strip-joint and grab about eight drunken construction workers to fill the under-card.

Now, I believe in fighters’ safety first. So I’ll hand-pick an honest neighborhood crack dealer who’s working his way through medical school. He can be the cut man/fight doctor.

And ring girls…what’s a fight card without ring girls? A half-dozen or so local hookers should do.

Now for the fight structure: Since the whole operation is illegal, must we really have rules? Of course we don’t. And do we need the extra expense of fight judges? Hell no; the spectators would only pay them off to win bets anyway.

How about a one-hour time limit with a 10-minute overtime for the championship fight and a thirty-minute time limit for the construction workers? To save money, we’ll have a *drunken fighter* round-robin tournament using random draws, and the winner gets 10K.

The losers get free beer all night at the No-tell Motel, and the “ring girls” can help nurse their wounds. See? Everybody comes out a winner!




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