Wednesday, November 4, 2009

By MMA analyst Joseph Lupoli

What’s that you say? Boys don’t play with dolls? Banana oil!

I, myself, played with dol… err…action figures when I was a kid. GI Joe, Batman, Superman, and of course, those little green army men all crowded my toy-chest. Frequently, my action figures needed to be interrogated. And, as my boss is fond of saying, “Heads will roll!”

And now the UFC sells dolls. They are caricatures of Top UFC Fighters. Some of the dolls have oversized heads. Tito Ortiz’s head is already oversized. He stood out amongst the other dolls. It looks to me that Tito Ortiz needs some harsh interrogation.

In fact, I might buy a Tito doll just to voodoo him with darts. After all, any MMA fighter who walks into the octagon wearing a t-shirt lettered with disgusting words berating his opponent should not go unpunished. I’m sure Jerry Bohlander would agree.

From what I understand, fighters are required to sign a contract of permission before the UFC can have their doll manufactured. And not all UFC fighters want games and dolls made in their image. Wasn’t Jon Fitch temporarily fired for refusing to sign a merchandising contract?

Personally, I think that past UFC legends and non-UFC fighters and color commentators should be rewarded with action figure contracts, too.

But that might create a problem. For instance, imagine a 6’1”, 176-pound toothpick, Royce Gracie, and that 6’8”, 700-pound Buddha by the name of Emmanuel Yarborough, as the same sized dolls. They wouldn’t look right on my office desk. How could any MMA fan seeing Emmanuel Yarburough and Royce Gracie dolls standing next to each other keep a straight face?

And, with today’s technology, what good is a man’s doll unless it can talk? Those UFC dolls should be able to say something—even if only a few words. Maybe just a catch-phrase would be perfect for this man's doll. Surely, every MMA personality has something to verbally offer. So, there should be a button on the back of every doll. Pull-strings are long obsolete, although they’d come in handy during a good side choke attempt.

Push the button and the doll speaks. But what should the dolls say? Well, let’s take ten random MMA personalities and give them a catch-phrase. Feel free to add your own quotes.

Fedor Emelianenko:You’ll have to ask my manager that.”

Chuck Liddell:I’m ready to go!

Joe Rogan:Wow! That was a Superman punch! And that UFC punch was brought to you by Bud Light... pure drinkability…Wow!

George St. Pierre:I was not impressed by your performance.”

Bas Rutten:I’m the most handsome man in MMA.”

Matt Hughes:I tried to instill my Christian faith in my team.”

Tito Ortiz:Dana knows he’s my bi**h!

Ken Shamrock:That’s bulls**t! I was robbed!

Royce Gracie:He’s a liar. I did NOT tap out!

Don Frye:Settle down, Gilbert. We can do it again.”

There. Now isn’t that better? MMA dolls are so much cooler to have if they can talk. Now, us men can come out and proudly boast, “We play with dolls!”

Support your local fighter! Buy a doll right now and become cool again!


James Ryan said...

LOL Hilarious Joseph! Well done!


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